Celebrities, Athletes, Politicians Cooler Than You

Los Angeles, CA -- After years of ambiguity, the newly-formed Society of Celebrities, Athletes, and Politicians, or SCAP, issued a press release this morning which finally put to rest the decades-old question of whether or not CAPs, as they are known, are just like everyone else.  "We're not," the document, released through SCAP's spokesperson, Justin Timberlake, read.  "We're cooler, smarter, and better-looking than you.  Our lives are easier, happier, and more fulfilling than yours.  Our boyfriends and girlfriends are hotter, our bank accounts fatter, and our days and nights more exciting and glamorous than yours."  Authorities have long questioned the assumptions of the general public that CAPs deal with the same disappointment, the same heartbreak, the same hardship that average Americans deal with every day.

"This document finally answers our questions," totally uncool social scientist Ashok Mahat, of UCLA, says.  "CAPs are just way cooler than us in every single way."  The coolness of screenwriters and directors remains in question.